Seinfeld
by Charming-Artemis
Summary: What if George Costanza had a sister?Watch the show play out with another character.


ACT ONE

SCENE A

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY (1)

JERRY, ELAINE, MARIA AND GEORGE ARE VISITING WITH NEW PARENTS, MYRA AND

STAN FLICK AND THEIR BABY STEVEN. MYRA DISCREETLY BREAST FEEDS THE

BABY. STAN IS IN THE MIDST OF THE HARROWING BIRTH STORY, AS JERRY

AND ELAINE ALTERNATE BETWEEN BOREDOM AND SQUIRMING. GEORGE, SITS

BY THE WINDOW, STARING OUT, IGNORING THE PROCEEDING.

STAN

...And so the baby's head comes

out, and I'm screaming and my

brother who's been videotaping the

whole thing turns green, his eyes

roll up in his head and he blacks

out, drops the camera, the camera

breaks, then , the placenta comes

flying out.

ELAINE

Whoa.

STAN

And then doctor says...

JERRY

Thank you, that's enough.

MARIA

Really?The Placena?

MARIA LOOKS AMAZED.JERRY AND ELAINE EXCHANGE GLANCE. MYRA IS BREAST FEEDING. JERRY

WINCES, HE CAN'T WATCH. HE IS VISIBLY UNSETTLED.

STAN

Will you look at that baby. Sucking like there's no tomorrow.

Just sucking away. Suck, suck, suck...

Jerry

(LOOKING AWAY) Yeah, yeah, yeah.

STAN

Look at that Jerry, look at that.

Sucking, sucking...

Jerry

Yeah, I looked. I saw.

STAN

This doesn't make you uncomfortable, does it?

Jerry

Uncomfortable? Not at all. (ASIDE TO ELAINE) See your friend's

wife's breast sticking out - why would that make me

uncomfortable?

MARIA HEARS THIS AND ELBOWS JERRY AND SAIS ASIDE TO HIM AND ELAINE

Maria

Would you two stop?Its a natrual thing for mothers to do with their uh,babys!

Jerry

But I dont wanna see it!

STAN

Look at him.

Jerry

How long do they do that?

STAN

Oh, a year or two.

Jerry

No break?

STAN

Then comes the weaning.

Jerry

So after the sucking, comes the weaning.

Maria

First the sucking then the weaning.

Jerry

Well, you gotta wean.

STAN

Gotta wean.

MARIA

You have to wean.

Elaine

It's a must wean situation.

PAUSE.

George

What about that spot I got?

Jerry

Yeah, that's a great spot.

George

You open the door to the car, boom, you walk right into the

hospital. You can't beat that spot. I'm on a roll. I am just

willing these great parking spots. In front of my house. In front

of Jerry's building. Did I tell you about the spot in front of

the post office?

Jerry

Yes.

George

I'm driving to the post office.

MARIA

(INTERRUPTING) George.

George

Maybe the baby would like to see my spot. A positive, uplifting

message to start his life out with. You can still get a great

space in this town - if you apply yourself.

MARIA

George would you stop it?Your are supposed to admire the baby!

GEORGE

(IS GETTING UPSET)

Well,Im admiring the baby,and the spot at the same time!Your should admire me to keep that up!Huh,huh?

ELAINE

Would you two shut up?

Jerry

Where's KRAMER? He should've been here by now.

Elaine

Did you give him the room number?

Jerry

Yes, 1397.

CUT TO:

(Kramer, Patient, Orderlies)

ACT ONE

SCENE B

INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY 1

KRAMER, WANDERING.

KRAMER

1937, 1937, 1937...

A WANDERING PATIENT STOPS HIM

PATIENT

Excuse me. Do you know where the staircase is?

KRAMER LOOKS AROUND.

KRAMER

Uh.. over there...

PATIENT SMILES AND EXITS. KRAMER WALKS A BIT FURTHER AND FINDS

WHAT HE THINKS IS THE STAN'S ROOM.

KRAMER (CONT'D)

1937.

HE ENTER THE ROOM. TWO ORDERLIES RUN DOWN THE HALL, FRANTICALLY

SEARCHING FOR SOMEONE.

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE C

IN HOSPITAL ROOM #2 - DAY 1

KRAMER LOOKS AROUND. THERE IS A PATIENT BEHIND A CURTAIN. OUTSIDE

THE CURTAIN IS A TRAY OF FOOD. HE PICKS UP THE TRAY. KRAMER IS

HUNGRY AND LIKES HOSPITAL FOOD TO BOOT. AS HE STUFF HIS FACE, HE

BECOMES AWARE OF A STRANGE SOUND EMANATING FROM BEHIND THE

CURTAIN. IT SOUNDS LIKE THE "OINK" OR "SQUEAL" OF A PIG. HIS

CURIOSITY GETTING THE BEST OF HIM, WITH HIS MOUTH FULL, HE STEPS

INSIDE THE PARTITIONED AREA. A BEAT. THEN HE COMES BURSTING OUT,

SPITTING FOOD AND SCREAMING.

KRAMER

Pig man! It's a pig man! Pig man!

CUT TO:

(Jerry, Elaine,Maria, George, Stan, Myra, Kramer (Steven)

ACT ONE

SCENE D

INT HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 1

STAN

..So anyway, Jerry and Elaine, we have something we want to ask

you.

GEORGE

Look at it. I pulled it in perfectly equidistant from the car in

front of me and the car behind me.

Jerry

Will you shut up.

Elaine

I'm taking a cab home. I can't take it anymore.

Jerry

So what were you about to say, Stan?

STAN

Myra and I would like you and Elaine to be the Godparents of

Steven.

Elaine

Wow.

Jerry

Me? A godfather?

STAN

Yes.

Jerry

(A LA DON CORLEONE) Never go against the family, Elaine.

Elaine

What?

Maria

Well,I ahve to get going,Im meeting my boyfriend Stan.

SHE LEAveS

KRAMER ENTERS.

KRAMER

The pig-man! I saw a pig-man! He was just lying there and then he

woke up. He looked up at me and made this horrible sound (MAKES

SOUND).

George

Kramer, what the hell are you talking about?

KRAMER

I'm talking about the pigman, George. I went into the wrong room

and there he was.

George

A pigman?

KRAMER

Yes, a pigman. Half pig, half man.

Elaine

That's nice, Kramer... So, anyway, what exactly is involved in

being a Godparent?

Jerry

(A LA DON CORLEIONE) Elaine, don't ever ask me about my

business!... (SHEEPISH) "Godfather."

MYRA

Nothing really.

STAN

The most important thing is to help with the bris.

Jerry

The bris?

Elaine

The bris?

KRAMER

A bris? you mean snip snip?

STAN

Yeah.

KRAMER

I would advise against that.

Elaine

Kramer. It's a tradition.

KRAMER

Well, so was sacrificing virgins to appease the gods, but we

don't do that anymore.

Jerry

Well, maybe we should.

George

Why are all those people milling around my car?

KRAMER

I don't know.

Jerry

Maybe they're admiring your spot.

KRAMER

No. They're all looking up.

George.

Oh my god, there's somebody on the roof of the hospital.

KRAMER

Whoa. That's the guy who asked me where the staircase was.

George

Jeez, I hope he doesn't.. Oh no!

BY EVERYONE'S REACTION WE SEE HE HAS JUMPED. THEN WE HEAR THE

THUD OF THE PATIENT ON GEORGE'S CAR.

GEORGE

My car! My car!

GEORGE RACES OUT OF THE ROOM.

CUT TO:

(Jerry George, Elaine, Kramer)

ACT ONE

SCENE E

INT JERRY'S APARTMENT DAY (2)

JERRY, ELAINE AND KRAMER WHO SITS HIS FACE BURIED IN THE

NEWSPAPER, IGNORING THE OTHERS.

ELAINE

A mohel! What the hell is a mohel?

Jerry

A mohel is the person who performs the circumcision.

Elaine

Where am I going to find a Mohel?

(LOOKING THROUGH THE YELLOW PAGES, MUTTERING) How do you find a

mohel? Motels, models..

Jerry

Oh, finding a Mohel is a piece of cake. Any idiot can find a

Mohel. I have the tough job. I have to hold the baby while they

do it. How would you like that job?

Elaine

Have you ever seen one?

Jerry

You mean that wasn't -

Elaine

Yeah.

Jerry

No.. you?

Elaine

Ya.

Jerry

What'd you think?

Elaine

(SHAKES HER HEAD) No...

Jerry

Not good?

Elaine

No, had no face, no personality, very dull. It was like a

martian. But hey, that's me.

Jerry

Hey.

GEORGE ENTERS WITH ESTIMATE.

GEORGE

Well I just got the estimate. It's going to cost more to fix that

roof than the car's worth, So I'm gonna go see the hospital

administrator today. Someone's paying for that damage and it's

not gonna be me.

Jerry

Ah, you're screwed.

George

I know, swan dives from twenty floors, lands right on to it. What

do I have a bulls eye on there? He couldn't move over two feet?

Land on the sidewalk. That's city property.

What are the chances, what are the odds? He couldn't do it again

if his life depended on it...

Elaine

Well I have to interview a Mohel.

Jerry

Oh, poor Elaine. Look at her. Attended the finest finishing

schools on the Eastern seaboard. Equestrian competitions.

Debutante balls. Well, look at you now. Interviewing Mohels.

SUDDENLY, KRAMER ENTERS, HOLDING THE PAPER, EXPLODES WITH A SPASM

OF REVELATION.

JERRY

What's the matter?

Elaine

Are you alright?

KRAMER

Don't even question my instincts, because my instincts are honed.

(RE:PAPER) Look at that.

Jerry

What now?

HE SHOWS JERRY THE PAPER

JERRY (CONT'D)

"Hospital receives grant to conduct DNA research".." Government

funds genetic research at area hospital" ... Yeah, so?

KRAMER

Pigman, baby. Pigman.

Elaine

Oh, if I hear about this pigman one more time...

MARIA ENTERS,SHE LOOKS ANNOYED

KRAMER

I'm tellin ya the pigman is alive. The governments been

experimenting with pigmen since the fifties.

MARIA

What pig-man?

Jerry

Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study

DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.

KRAMER

Oh. Jerry wake up to reality. It's military thing. They're

probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.

Maria

Whats pig-man!I wanna know!

George

I wish there were pigmen. You get a few of these pigmen walking

around I'm looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to

fix me up at least they could say, "Hey he's no pig-man!"

Jerry

Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for the pig-men. No

matter what the deformity you'll find some group of perverts

attracted to it. "Oo that little tail turns me on."

ELAINE GROANS AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR.

ELAINE

(MUMBLES) Alright, that's about enough

Jerry

Oh, what's the matter you're not interested in this?

Elaine

No, it's fascinating, could you do me a favor, could you tape the

rest of the pigmen and the women who love them discussion and

I'll listen to it next time I'm here. I've got to find a Mohel.

KRAMER

You should call this off, Elaine. It's a barbaric ritual.

Maria

(Is clearly anrgy)

WHAT PIG-MAN??!?

Elaine

Perhaps one day when the pigmen roam free it will be stopped.

Until then, off with their heads.

ELAINE LEAVES.

GEORGE

(To Maria)

Kramer thinks hes found a pig-man.

But Kramer, isn't it a question of hygiene?

Maria

Oh.

KRAMER

Oh, that's a myth. Besides, you know, it makes sex more

pleasurable.

George

Yeah. So how does that help me?

Jerry

(TO GEORGE) Hey George, have you ever seen one?

George

Yeah, my roommate in college.

Jerry

So what'd you think?

George

I got used to it.

Maria

While were on the subject,my boyfriends had one,and it is true it makes sex more pleasurable,its just a shame they look like head-chopped marsians..

DISSOLVE TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE G

(JERRY, GEORGE, KRAMER)

INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR DAY 2

JERRY AND KRAMER ENTER. PEOPLE PASS IN HALLWAY.

Jerry

Alright, I'm waiting. I want to see the pig-man. Show me the pig-

man.

KRAMER

Oh, don't worry. I'm gonna show him to you, and you'll never be

the same.

Jerry

Maybe he's just a guy with a nose like this. You know a lot of

people have a nose like this, they're not necessarily pig-men.

KRAMER

Believe me, Jerry, somewhere in this hospital the anguished oink

of pigman cries for help.

Jerry

If I hear an anguished oink, I'm outta here.

KRAMER

I can't let this go on.

Jerry

Let me understand this. So if you find the pigman, your intention

is to ...emancipate him?

KRAMER

That's right. (CALLING OUT)

Sue-wee!

Jerry

Kramer! well I don't see any pig-men. Look (HE POINTS AT

PASSERBY) Human, human, human...

HE LOOKS DOWN CORRIDOR, WITH ALARM.

JERRY (CONT'D)

(WITH MOCK ALARM) Wait a minute!... Oh, that's George.

GEORGE APPROACHES.

GEORGE

Okay. The administrator's on the third floor. I'll meet you guys

by the car.

KRAMER

You got room for the pig-man?

George

The pig-man can take the bus.

KRAMER

You know, if pig-man had a car, he'd give you a ride.

George

How do you know? What if Pigman had a two-seater?

KRAMER

Come on George, be realistic.

George

All right, if pig-man comes along, we'll squeeze him in. I'll see

you later.

GEORGE EXITS.

CUT TO:

(Maria,Stan)

Maria

So I would like to meet this Fred guy,he seems cool.

Stan

Yeah,he is,once,in our radioshow,we had Hugh Grant on.

Maria

Really?Hugh Grant?

Stan

Yeah,but it was really Fred who got him there,he is such a great guy,he is really admirable.

Maria

I cant wait to meet him.

Stan

I know you think so..Sexy.

Maria looks suprised,and somewhat disgusted

Maria

What?

Stan

What?What did I say?

Maria

Nevermind..

CUT TO:

(George, Mrs. Sweedler)

ACT ONE

SCENE H

INT HOSPITAL ADMINISTRATION OFFICE - DAY 2

THE ADMINISTRATOR, MRS. SWEEDLER, USHERS GEORGE IN. THEY SIT ON

EITHER SIDE OF HER DESK.

MRS. SWEEDLER

Mr. Costanza, come in, come in. It's been a very trying couple of

days around the hospital. Patients, doctors, everyone, just grief

stricken over this unfortunate occurrence.

George

Well, I join them in their grief.

Mrs. Sweedler

Horrible, just a horrible thing. Flew right past the children's

wing. All the sick children, in the playroom, looking out the

window, just traumatize by the incident. Apparently, they all

thought he was flying. You know how children are, "Oh look. A man

is flying. A man is flying" And then, splat...

George

Yes, splat. Exactly. Splat. That's where I come in. On splat. You

see, Mrs. Sweedler, or is it hospital administrator Sweedler?

Mrs. Sweedler

Mrs. Sweedler's fine.

George

You see, that trudge affected me in a very, very personal way.

Mrs. SWEEDLER

How is that?

George

Yes, you see, the deceased landed on my car. The splat, as it

were, actually took place on the roof of my car. I can't help but

think that had it been a convertible this whole tragedy may have

been averted but I've never been the type to buy a convertible,

what with the baldness and all.

Mrs. SWEEDLER

Well I've known bald men who owned convertibles. They wore a hat.

George

Well then it's all pulled down. Anyway. The damage,

unfortunately, has marred an otherwise fine automobile, rendering

it virtually undriveable.

Mrs. SWEEDLER

(STIFFENING) Yes, well, that is a shame.

George

Yes, a shame. That's just how I would describe it. Now, with all

due sensitivity and discretion, bearing in mind the scope of the

situation, I can't help but think the hospital bears some

responsibility to compensate the other, still living "victim", of

this horrendous, horrendous tragedy.

SHE GLARES

Mrs. SWEEDLER

A man plummeted tragically to his ultimate demise -

George

Yes.

Mrs. SWEEDLER

... and you greedily, callously try to profit from it.

George

(PULLING OUT ESTIMATE OUT OF HIS POCKET)

Well, profit. I think you'll see from the estimates that I'm not

really profiting that much. They might be a little high, but..

Mrs. SWEEDLER

(WITH ANGER) How dare you.

GEORGE

What?

Mrs. SWEEDLER

Have you no decency? Have you no shame?

George

Yes.. you know, depending.

Mrs. SWEEDLER

Get out! Get out, now! get out of my office.

GEORGE PUTS HIS ESTIMATES ON THE DESK AND BEGINS TO EXIT.

GEORGE

Should I leave these with you?

Mrs. SWEEDLER

Get out!

HE EXITS.

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE J

(Jerry, Kramer, resident)

INT HOSPITAL CORRIDOR DAY 2

KRAMER AND JERRY FIND PIGMAN'S ROOM. BUT, IT'S EMPTY. KRAMER

STOPS A YOUNG SMART ALECK RESIDENT. JERRY TRIES TO LOOK

INCONSPICUOUS.

KRAMER

Excuse me. What happened to the man, that was in this room

before?

Resident

I don't know what you're talking about.

KRAMER

You know. (HE PUSHES HIS NOSE UP WITH HIS THUMB).

Resident

No.

KRAMER

(STILL HOLDING HIS NOSE UP ) This doesn't look familiar to you?

Resident

Sir?

KRAMER

Look, I know what's going on. Oink, oink.

Resident

I really have some patients I have to attend to.

HE TRIES TO MOVE ON. KRAMER GRABS HIM BY THE LAPELS AND BACKS HIM

AGAINST THE WALL. JERRY LOOKS THE OTHER WAY.

KRAMER

(TOUGH TALKING) Look, you little quack, I know you had a half man

half pig holed up in that room, there. Now where is he?! Where is

he?!

Resident

Half-what?

KRAMER

You know what - bacon, sausage, (A LA PORKY PIG) A-deek-a-deek-a-

deek th-th-th-that's all folks.

Resident

Oh, the pig-man. They moved him down the hall.

KRAMER RELEASES THE RESIDENT, WHO RUNS AWAY.

Jerry

Alright Kramer, enough of this. Let's go find George.

KRAMER

You go ahead.

KRAMER WALKS OFF.

Jerry

KRAMER

BUT HE CONTINUES WALKING.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

SCENE K

(Jerry, Elaine, George, Kramer,Maria,Stan, Stan, Myra, Mohel man, Woman,

(Steven))

INT FLICKS' DAY 3

JERRY ELAINE, KRAMER, THE FLICKS, AND ASSORTED GUESTS

Jerry

Where's the Mohel?

ELAINE

He'll be here.

Jerry

He's late already.

Elaine

Relax. You'd think you were getting whacked.

Jerry

How did I get to be Godfather? I don't even know him that well.

Just cause we're on the softball team and I'm the pitcher and

he's the catcher he thinks we have a relationship?

Stan

You know Fred is a godfather?

Maria looks weirdly at him.

Elaine

(To Stan)

Uh,thats nice

(To Jerry)

I thought pitchers and catchers did have a special rapport.

Jerry

Maybe in hardball it's more involved you know they have signals

and everything. I'm just lobbing it in. We don't have

conferences. He doesn't come out to the mound and encourage me.

Elaine

What about me? I watched a few games with her sitting in the

stands.

Jerry

Don't they have any closer friends. They're level jumping on our

friendship.

ELAINE

yes it is level jumping.

ANGLE ON: GEORGE TALKING TO WOMAN.

George

So uh... ever been to a bris before?

Woman

No.

George

If you fell little woozy, and it's quite common, just stay close

to me. I'll get you through it.

Woman

I'm a cardiologist. I think I can manage.

George

Oh.

ANGLE ON: KRAMER AND MYRA. SHE IS SOBBING.

KRAMER

Don't believe them when they tell you it doesn't hurt. It hurts

bad. It hurts really bad. Imagine, this will be his first memory.

Of someone yanking the hat off his little man. I know you love

your baby, but what kind of perverts would stand idly by while a

stranger rips the cover off his 9-iron and then serve a catered

lunch?

MYRA RUNS AWAY, SOBBING

KRAMER (cont'd)

She'll be okay.

HE SLINKS AWAY. ELAINE ANGRILY CONFRONTS KRAMER.

Elaine

What's wrong with you?

KRAMER

Me? What's wrong with you?! How can you let this go on?

Elaine

Hey have you ever seen one of those?

KRAMER

No.

Elaine

Well I have and believe me it's no picnic.

KRAMER

Oh, how bad could it be?

Elaine

(TO GATHERING) Alright. Has anybody here ever seen one?

Man

One what?

Elaine

... you know

Man

I have.

Woman

I have.

Elaine

And?

All

(SHAKE THEIR HEADS) No...

George

I got used to it.

SFX: DOORBELL.

RELIEVED EVERYONE RUNS TO THE DOOR.

ALL (CONT'd)

(ADLIB) It's the mohel! the mohel is here! Thank God, the mohel

is here.

THEY OPEN THE DOOR. THE MOHEL STANDS IN THE DOORWAY WITH BAG.

EVERYONE CALMS DOWN IN HIS BEATIFIC PRESENCE AS HE ENTER. HE NODS

IN GREETING AS HE WALKS THRU THE ASSEMBLED GUESTS.

MOHEL

Hello, hello, I'm the mohel. It's very nice to meet you all...

A PAN CLANGS TO THE GROUND. THE MOHEL SNAPS.

MOHEL (CONT'D)

Oh! What was that?!? Jeez. Scared the hell out of me. My god. I

almost had a heart attack!

THE CROWD GROWS UNEASY.

MOHEL (CONT'D)

(CALMING DOWN) Alright I'm fine, I'm fine. Anyway, we're here to

perform the mitzvah of the bris and...

SFX: BABY CRYING

MOHEL (CONT'D)

(WITH INCREASING TENSION) ...Is the baby gonna cry like that? Is

that how the baby cries, with the loud, sustained, squealing cry,

'cause that could pose a problem. Do you have any control of your

child 'cause this is the time to exercise it when baby is crying

in that high-pitched, squealing tone that can drive you

insane?!!!

MRS. FLICK TAKES THE BABY INT OTHER ROOM. THE MOHEL MASSAGES HIS

FOREHEAD.THEN MEN COME IN,THEY WALK TO MARIA AND STAN

Man#1

Mr.Henricks?Could you come with us?

Stan

Why?

Man#2

Couse we have been told to bring you into the hospital again,clearly your Schizophrenia isnt going any better.

Maria

But,Fred can prove that hes..

Man#1

Ms.Fred isnt real,Stan only thinks he is

THEY TAKE HIM AWAY,YOU CAN HEAR STAN SCREAMING FOR FRED.

Mohel

What was that at a bris?Have you no respect?You bring mentally illed people here?

Maria

(Starts to cry and runs away)

ELAINE

So uh,did you find the place alright?

Mohel

Did I find it alright? I mean could you send me to a more

dangerous neighborhood? I'm dreading walking back to the subway,

someone shouldn't crack me over the head and steal my bag,

'accuse I'll be lying there on the street in this neighborhood

and people will spit on me and empty my pockets. I'll lie in the

gutter like a bum, like a dog, like a mutt, like an animal! God

forbid someone should help me or call an ambulance. No, that's

too much trouble to pick up a phone and press a few buttons. Ahh!

What's the point.

Elaine

Do you feel alright?

Mohel

(TO ELAINE INTERRUPTING) Darling, you see where that glass is?

How that glass is near the edge of the table. You got the whole

table there to put the glass, why you chose the absolute edge, so

half the glass is hanging off the table, you breath and that

glass falls over, then you're gonna have broken glass on the

carpet, embedded in the carpet fibers, deep, deep in the shag,

broken glass, bits of broken glass that you never get out. you

can't get it out with a vacuum cleaner. Even on your hands and

knees with a magnifying glass, you can't get all the pieces, and

then you think you got it all and two years later, you're walkin'

barefoot and you step on a piece of broken glass and you kill

yourself, is that what you want? I don't think you want that, is

it? .. Do you?

THE MOHEL BEGINS TWITCHING. ANGLE ON: ELAINE AND MYRA.

ELAINE

(TO MYRA; ON THE 'QT') He's very highly recommended.

ANGLE ON: JERRY AND KRAMER

KRAMER

(TO JERRY; ON THE 'QT') The mohel is twitching.

Mohel

Who's holding the baby? Hello! Who is holding the baby?!?

NO RESPONSE.

MOHEL (cont;d)

(WITH ACCOMPANYING 'MOCK' SIGN LANGUAGE) Who is holding the baby?

ELAINE

Jerry is.. (TO JERRY) Jerry!

Jerry

(UNCERTAIN) Yeah.

Elaine

Jerry go over there.

Jerry

All right.

Elaine

Go.

Jerry

I'm going.

Elaine

C'mon

Jerry

Don't push me.

MOHEL

Okay. you sit here. Bring out the baby. Bring out the baby. I

need the baby!

KRAMER DASHES INTO THE BEDROOM AND RELUCTANTLY BRINGS OUT THE

BABY. BEFORE HE HANDS IT OVER, HE HAS SECOND THOUGHTS. HE GRIPS

THE BABY TIGHTLY.

KRAMER

I can't let you do this.

(AD-LIB Kramer!

EVERYONE MOVES TOWARD HIM.

KRAMER.

I can't let you do this!

PEOPLE GRAB HIM, TRYING TO PRY THE BABY AWAY FROM HIM. THERE IS

A STRUGGLE.

ALL

(AD LIB) Let go of the baby! Kramer!

KRAMER

No! No! I won't!

THEY FINALLY YANK THE BABY AWAY FROM THE DISTRAUGHT KRAMER.

MOHEL

People compose yourselves. (SHOUTING AS STRUGGLE CONTINUES) This

is a bris. We are performing a bris here, not a burlesque show.

This is not a school play! This is not a baggy pants farce! This

is a bris. An ancient, sacred ceremony, symbolizing the covenant

between God and Abraham... or something.

THE MOHEL OPENS HIS BAG AND HIS INSTRUMENTS FALL OUT.

MOHEL (CONT'D)

Damn.

PEOPLE REACH IN TO HELP.

MOHEL (CONT'D)

No! Don't touch anything! Don't touch a thing! Away!

(MUTTERING).. I coulda been a kosher butcher like my brother. The

money's good. There's a union, with benefits. And, cows have no

families. You make a mistake with a cow, you move on with your

life... Anyway.

HE HOLDS UP THE 'INSTRUMENT'. HE TWITCHES. HIS HAND TREMBLES. WE

PAN THE EXTREMELY ANXIOUS CROWD. WE ANGLE ON A VERY BUG-EYED,

NERVOUS JERRY AS THE MOHEL RAISES THE INSTRUMENT.

ANGLE BACK ON: MOHEL, AS HE BRINGS THE INSTRUMENT DOWN.

SFX: CROWD SCREAMING.

CUT TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE L

(Jerry, George,Maria, Elaine, Kramer)

INT GEORGE'S CAR - DAY 3

Jerry

Hurry up George! Step on it!

George

Alright, alright!

Jerry

That damn Mohel - he circumcised my finger! The mohel circumcised

my finger!

Elaine

You flinched.

Jerry

Flinched? I did not flinch. George, did I flinch?

Maria

I cant believe he was a mental patient..

ELAINE

How should he know He blacked out. He fainted.

George

It was very traumatic. But the last thing I remember is you

flinching. Then, everything went black.

Maria

Why did they even let him out in the first place?

Jerry

I dont care about your mental-boyfriend,I only care about my finger!Who's got a tissue? I need more tissues! Look at this thing. It's

my phone finger!

George

Be careful, you're bleeding all over the car.

KRAMER

What about the baby?

Jerry

The baby's fine. They're just taking him to the hospital as a

precautionary measure. I'm the one who's hurt. Look at me.

Elaine

Will you stop it? You'll just need a few stitches.

Maria

Yeah,focus on me instead!I was the one who had a Schizophrenic boyfriend!

Jerry

Stitches? I've never had stitches. I'll be deformed. I can't live

with that. It goes against my whole personality. It's not me!

George

Hey look a this - boy are you lucky - another spot - right in

front of the hospital. In an emergency yet! How lucky is that? Is

that unbelievable? How unbelievable is that?

Maria

Oh shut up.

Cut to:

ACT two

Scene

Jerry, George, Maria, Elaine, Kramer, Myra, (Pigman), (Male Nurse)

(guards))

Int Hospital Day 3

JERRY, MARIA, ELAINE, GEORGE, AND KRAMER WALKING DOWN THE CORRIDOR.

Jerry

I'm getting faint. I'm losing consciousness.

KRAMER

You'll be okay. I'll see you later.

KRAMER EXITS

George

Where's he going?

ELAINE LIFTS NOSE UP WITH HER THUMB.

George (con'td)

I'm gonna look for a bathroom.

Maria

I wanna see the Pig-man..

MARIA EXITS

MOHEL ENTERS.

Jerry

Well if it isn't Shakey the Mohel! You did a hell of a

circumcision there pal. But it's not supposed to be a finger.

MOHEL

(RE:JERRY) It was your fault! You flinched!

Jerry

Who made you a mohel? Whadya, get your degree from a matchbook?

MOHEL

(HE MAKES A SUDDEN MOVEMENT) See! See! He flinched again!

Jerry

Good mohel picking, Elaine. You picked a helluva mohel.

MOHEL

One more peep out of you and I'll slice you up like a smoked

sturgeon.

Jerry

Don't threaten me, Butcher Boy.

MOHEL

Butcher Boy?!

Jerry

What was this? (HE IMITATES MOHEL'S FLINCHING) What was this?

MOHEL

What was this? (HE IMITATES JERRY)

JERRY AND MOHEL GET INTO A STRUGGLE.

MOHEL (cont;d)

It was your fault!

Jerry

It was not!

Elaine

Jerry, be careful. The Mohel's got a knife!

THE FLICKS ENTER.

STAN

Hey, hey stop it, stop it! What's going on here?

STAN AND ELAINE AD-LIB DURING BREAK-UP OF FIGHT.

STAN (cont'd)

You two should be ashamed of yourselves.

MOHEL

Ah, blood.

Elaine

How's the baby?

STAN

The baby's fine. There's nothing wrong with the baby.

MOHEL

Thank god the flincher didn't harm the baby.

ALL

(AD LIB) Amen.

THE MOHEL LEANS INTO JERRY AND WHISPERS.

MOHEL

I will get you for this. This is my business, this is my life. No

one ruins this for me. No on! (TO ELAINE) Here's my card.

THE MOHEL BEGINS TO EXIT. SUDDENLY KRAMER AND MARIA COMES DASHING DOWN THE

HALLWAY. MARIA IS CARRYING THE PIG MAN ON HER BACK. THE MALE NURSE

AND SECURITY GUARDS ARE IN HOT PURSUIT. THEY KNOCK OVER THE

MOHEL.

Kramer

Come on Maria!Step on it!

THEY ALL EXIT.

JERRY AND ELAINE LOOK AT GEORGE.

DISSOLVE TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE N

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY (4)

JERRY IS TRYING TO OPEN A BOTTLE WITH BANDAGED FINGER,

JERRY

I can't do this. (A LA GODFATHER) Look what they did to my boy,

They massacred my boy.

Elaine

You really do the worst Godfather I ever heard. You're not even

close.

SFX:BUZZER

Jerry

It's the Flicks.

George

(ON PHONE) It's a '76 Chevy Impala. It was stolen right in front

of the hospital. Yeah, I saw him take off in it. He's about five

feet, hairless, pink complexion.. well. he looks like a pig.

Yeah, okay, thanks a lot.

KRAMER AND MARIA ENTERS.

George

So any word? Did you hear from the "pigman?"

KRAMER

No.

George

And he's not a pigman is he?

Maria

NO, he's not.. .He's just a fat little mental patient.

THE FLICKS ENTER

Jerry

Hi STAN, hi Myra.

ELAINE GOES TO ADMIRE BABY. MYRA PULLS HIM AWAY.

MYRA

Don't touch him

Jerry

What's wrong?

STAN

You're out, Jerry. You're out as Godfather. You too, Elaine.

You're both out.

Elaine

But-

STAN

We want Kramer.

KRAMER

(A LA GODFATHER) I'd be honored.

KRAMER, STAND AND MYRA START TO EXIT

Jerry

But I'm the pitcher. You're the catcher. We have a special

relationship.

KRAMER AND FLICKS EXIT, THEY CLOSE THE DOOR, BUT LEAVE IT

SLIGHTLY AJAR, AS THEY STAND IN THE HALLWAY. THE FLICKS EMBRACING

KRAMER, JERRY ,MARIA , ELAINE AND GEORGE WATCH IN DISBELIEF THROUGH THE

CRACK IN THE DOOR.

STAN (CONT'D)

Godfather.

MYRA

Godfather.

KRAMER LOOKS INTO APARTMENT AT INCREDULOUS JERRY ELAINE MARIA AND

GEORGE, THEN CLOSES THE DOOR. WE HEAR THE GODFATHER THEME.

FADE OUT


End file.
